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Epictetus had clear advice on the two pulls that run most of our lives: what we want and what we are trying to avoid. This is a guided reflection on both.
You will sit with the questions slowly. Is it wise to steer clear of everything outside your control? Where is the line with desire, when does wanting something tip into being owned by it? No rush, just space to consider where you stand.
There are some things that we desire to move toward, and some things that we desire to move away from. We could say here for simplicity that when we want to move toward something or possess something, we desire that thing, and when the opposite is true, we feel aversion. Desire and aversion are in many ways the roots of suffering. If we fail to get what we desire or we experience that which we want to avoid, we become miserable. The problem is, of course, because the external world is largely out of our direct control, we will inevitably experience suffering in our life when we don't get what we want. So as a practicing stoic we must ask this very important question. If desire and aversion cause suffering, but desire and aversion are part of being human, how can we protect ourselves still from misery? Let's now explore this. We feel aversion to certain things or events because we believe that if we don't avoid that thing we will become unhappy. But the problem is many of us who are not trained in stoicism or haven't cultivated our wisdom muscle don't have an accurate sense of what will truly bring us happiness or unhappiness. Sometimes we desire things that cause us misery, and sometimes we avoid things that would actually make us happier. So as a starting point for working with aversion, we should only seek to avoid or change things that are within our direct control, which include our judgments, impulses, desires, aversions, and mental faculties, internal things. Conversely, we should not seek to avoid things outside of our direct control, which would include our body, material possessions, our reputation, external things. So what does this mean in practical terms? Simply put, it is foolish to try and avoid a situation over which you know you have no control. But it is wise to make changes to your judgments, impulses, desires, aversions, and mental faculties to reduce unnecessary suffering. So take a moment now to bring to mind situations which you are currently resisting in your life. Perhaps you could be resisting or fretting about illness or low status or death or failure or rejection, poverty, any kind of situation that is bothering you. Try to break away from the conditioned view that any of these things are intrinsically good or bad. That this pattern, this dance in the external world is good or is bad. We know that there are very wealthy psychopaths and we know that there are very saintly individuals that are moments away from death. We know that there are content poor individuals, and there are very depressed high status individuals. None of these things are intrinsically good or bad. In the end what is most important, what could be said to be good or bad is our response, is our action, is our character. Why not choose to accept these things and choose the highest good to live with equanimity and wisdom, even in the face of difficulty? We can go even a step further, and instead of simply accepting events that we typically dislike, we can learn and train ourselves to want these events in this moment because they are here now, and to resist what is a form of foolishness. If you have to do something on a daily basis which you don't enjoy, and there is no short term escape from that activity, can you summon now the desire to actively want this event for yourself? Can you love your current situation even though it has its challenges? Can you say I get to do this thing? I get to play my role here instead of I have to and I'm a victim. This contemplation is useful to reflect on regularly, but in terms of practical next steps, as an experiment, why not simply drop any strong desires you have about having a different future? Strong desires seem like they offer a solution to a current problem, but very often the desire itself is the problem. We can be miserable by not getting the things we want, but we can also become miserable by getting what we want if that desire was contrary to wisdom and what is best for us. You could get something you desire, for example, but in attaining it, the balance of your life could get disrupted. How many privileged people who frequently get what they want experience anger, impatience, sadness, frustration, nihilism. For now, do not fantasize about the things you want. Do not create a big wish list of material possessions and figure out clever plans to attain them. Just drop desire to the best of your abilities. Instead, try this. Desire what you already have, and you will always be content and free. In the flow of life when opportunities arise, answer to them yes or no in that moment, and do not think too far ahead. Whenever you do act on a desire, do so with self discipline, moderation and calmness. By thinking and reflecting in this way regularly, we will learn to see that while we can't always change the things we avoid, we can instead gain control and mastery over the external world by choosing our response to it. Thank you for listening to the Stoic Handbook Meditations. I'll see you in the next session.
